Reduce Back-to-School Chaos: How to Leverage This Time to Reset and Reboot Your Family Dynamic

How are you feeling about back-to-school season this year? Maybe excitement fills the air as you anticipate this transition. The kids will have more consistency and it’ll offer you possibly the opportunity to be more productive at home or at work. However, the opposite may be more appropriate for you. As your youngest child starts school for the very first time, or your oldest one begins their senior year of high school, this season brings forth more sadness and nostalgia than excitement.

No matter our circumstances or how we’re feeling, back-to-school season is primarily focused on our kids and preparing them for the transitions that lay ahead. But a child’s return to school impacts the entire family. Everyone transitions to some degree to accommodate the changes that come with each new school year. That’s a lot of change!

Therefore, it makes sense that many families refer to want to “return to normal,” that is, to resume systems and ways of being with each other and in the home that they’re used to.

What’s Wrong with Returning to Normal?

There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with returning to normal, so long as what you’re returning to works for you and your family.

As a life and mindset coach for moms, I hear my clients share their joys and struggles of this new season. They celebrate the anticipation of a “return to normal,” while also despising it. The conflict they feel makes sense. On one hand, they welcome resuming routines and structure. Consistency can put our mama hearts at ease. On the other hand, they’re stressed from the anticipated weight of additional responsibilities and with the emotional resistance they expect from their kids as they establish rules and boundaries to deal with all of life’s demands. This can be especially tricky on the heels of the unstructured and flexible summer months!

As with any time of transition, say a new year, a birthday, or even the start of a new week, we have an opportunity to check in with ourselves, to be intentional. We can use those opportunities to reset and realign to that which we want to create. Perhaps we choose to resume existing or prior approaches. As they say, don’t fix what ain’t broke! But all too often we don’t pause and assess whether what we’re doing is actually working. And the back-to-school season is a great opportunity to remind ourselves that we have more agency over our lives than we sometimes realize.

This time of year can be incredibly chaotic and moms are just keeping their heads above water. Too many moms don’t allow themselves permission to consider a different reality. They simply do what they’ve always done and continue to feel overwhelmed, undervalued, and resentful.

This is all the more reason to use this time as an opportunity to assess the family dynamic to see if changes can and should be made. Rebalancing responsibilities can serve to not only lighten your load, but also creates more of a team environment from which our kids gain a better sense of contribution and understanding of the skills needed to run a household.

How to Create a New Normal

Now that we’ve addressed just some of the benefits of creating a new normal, let’s dive into a four-step process on how to make it a reality.

1. Assess what’s worked well in the past that you’d like to see continue this new school year. (And if this new school year is significantly different from years prior, then don’t be afraid to DREAM BIG about what this season can look like!)
   
   EXAMPLES: If you have young kids, you may do this assessment yourself, taking into consideration the prior school year (as applicable) and any changes in your work/life commitments. But if you have tweens/teens, or mature littles, consider calling a family meeting to get input from them too. Share the fact that everyone lives under the same roof and is expected to contribute in meaningful ways to the daily responsibilities. You’ll likely get better results if the kids buy into the changes.
   
   
2. Identify (by yourself or with your family) the who/what/when you’d like to implement for the coming school year. These changes can reflect what would be helpful for one or more family members and can help create more responsibility in your kids and equitability in home management.
   
   EXAMPLES: Kids must wake each day at 6am to their own alarms and do homework each afternoon before play/free time. Everyone will eat dinner together each weeknight at 7pm. Kids will bring their dirty clothes to the laundry area each Saturday morning. Details about the school day/year will be shared in an electronic calendar for all to reference. Parents will hold brief family meetings each Sunday afternoon to discuss the
   week ahead, to include meal planning.
   
   
3. Develop an implementation plan. Trying to incorporate lots of changes all at once can backfire in many families. With that said, jumping in with both feet might be just the way in which your family prefers to do things, especially if everyone is on board! In addition to when you’ll integrate change, give consideration to the how as well. How long of a grace period would you like to give as everyone adjusts to the changes? And how will you encourage/reinforce participation or adherence to the changes (i.e., positive and negative reinforcement)?
   
   EXAMPLES: If waking to an alarm is new for your kids, develop a backup plan or consequences if they sleep through it or snooze too many times. Consider a sticker sheet or a written routine schedule kids can use as a means of keeping track of responsibilities/schedule and to know they’re on the right track. For older kids, positive reinforcement for adherence/contribution may be just what they need to hear to stay motivated.
   
   
4. Implement your plan, but do so with patience, flexibility, and compassion. Change can be stressful and we’re all accustomed to patterns of behavior. Enter this season of newness as a team and commit to navigating it TOGETHER.
   
   EXAMPLES: Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Highlight what’s going well as you transition together and then discuss where there are challenges. It may also be necessary to explain why these changes are necessary or who/how they benefit the family. And be sure to ask your kids for their ideas about how to resolve any issues. When they feel included and understand the rationale for changes, they can contribute in beautiful ways!

Things to Keep in Mind

First, expect aspects of your plan to fail. We all know some things work better in theory than they do in practice. But don’t take failure as an indicator to give up entirely on the plan, though. Rather, take the time to identify what parts seem to be working well, which ones need tweaking, and which ones need to be scrapped altogether. We must give ourselves permission (and exposure to our kids) to trying something new and iterating as we go.

Second, decide NOW how you want to FEEL not only through this period of transition, but into the school year when your family has found its groove with the new normal. Yes, I said DECIDE. Emotions aren’t only felt, they’re also chosen. When we choose to show up to life in a particular way, we turn on an inner guidance system. Yes, stress can catch us all off guard at times. But we can also anticipate stress, expect it even, and plan ahead for how we’d like to respond, rather than impulsively reacting in the face of it.

Whether you’re dreading back-to-school season or welcoming it with open arms, it’s a great opportunity to check in with yourself and not simply “return to normal” by default, but on purpose.

If you’d like some support in creating a new normal this back-to-school season, consider attending one or both of Nessle’s Workshops: Work/Life Balance Essentials: Increase Your Time + Improve Your Peace and A Family Mission Statement: Create a Shared Vision for Your Family. Also, consider checking out Nessle’s Blog Post: Involving Children in Chores at Any Age. And if you’d prefer personalized support to cultivate new routines for you and your family, book a 1:1 coaching consultation here to learn how coaching can help!