Four Things to Help Your Children Feel Loved When You Bring Home Baby

There is a beautiful children’s book called On Mother’s Lap by Ann Herbert Scott that follows the story of Michael, a toddler, whose favorite place to be is his mother’s lap. He gathers toys, a lovey, his special blanket and nestles in the warmth of her body with his favorite things. When his baby sister wants to join in, Michael insists there isn’t enough room, but soon Michael sees that they all fit and it “feels good.”

When your baby arrives, you will have moments like this, the kind that take up space in your heart forever and make parenting two or more children feel like the best decision you ever made. But life doesn’t always unfold like a story. There will be plenty of times when your older child shares big feelings around having a new baby in the family. 

When my husband was three years old, his little sister was born. After a few days of checking her out, he asked his mom to “return” her to the hospital. We’ve always laughed at this story, but as a mother, it lands differently than it did before I had children. 

In her book Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, Dr. Laura Markham explains the reason it is so hard for children to share parents: “ …his experience is that he’s no longer first in line to get what he needs, and that can trigger some primal terror. After all, his genes evolved in the Stone Age. On some unconscious level, he can’t help but worry. If a tiger jumps out of the bushes, which child will you save?”  

Markham emphasizes that “each child must be convinced from her daily experience, that no matter what her sibling gets, there is more than enough love, attention, and appreciation for her–and that you could never love anyone more.”

My children are 7, 4 ½ and 20 months, and I spend a lot of time these days reading and thinking about how to help my kids see that there is always enough room on my lap (figuratively and sometimes literally!). In my work as a postpartum doula, parents with multiple children want help bringing their family together during the beautiful but challenging season of welcoming a new child into the family. Here are four things you can do to help each child feel your unending supply of love and reassure them that if a tiger were to jump out of the bushes, you would save all of them. 

• Incorporate your older child(ren) into the feeding schedule. 

In the beginning, most of your time will be consumed with feeding your baby. Consider involving your other children in the feeding process instead of finding them something else to do. This will look different depending on their age and interests. Some siblings like to feed or nurse their dolls alongside the feeding parent. Others may enjoy a breastfeeding or bottle-feeding busy box full of quiet activities that are brought out only during this special time. A simple Google for “breastfeeding busy box” will reveal numerous possibilities. 

• Be your baby’s voice. 

Help strengthen the bond between your baby and older child(ren) by sharing what the baby would say if she could talk. It might sound something like this: “Baby Jamie is the luckiest baby in the world. He’s showing you just how much he loves how you sing to him before bed–look, even his eyes are smiling. He’s saying thank you for singing to me and being the best big sister in the world.” 

• Welcome your older child’s big feelings about having a new baby. 

Instead of trying to change your child’s feelings (“Surely you don’t feel that way!”), try getting down on his level. Acknowledge his feelings, no matter how uncomfortable or unreasonable they seem: “You really want to spend time with just me, huh? I get it. I miss spending time with just you too. Being a big brother can be really hard sometimes. You want to be with just me, but your sister needs me too. Hey, I’m about to put Sister down for a nap. Would you like to snuggle on the couch and read some books together?”

• Schedule special time with your other children. 

Dr. Laura Markham describes special time as “preventative maintenance” that will help you build closeness with your child. The recipe is simple: find 10-20 minutes a day to connect with your child with no one else around (you may have to get creative with childcare–can a family member or neighbor hold the baby while you spend time with your other child?) and zero distractions. Follow the child’s lead, resisting the urge to ask questions, teach, correct or take over. Look for opportunities to laugh and move your body together (Markham recommends “rough housing”) to release stress hormones. Special time can be alternated between parents in a two-parent household but needs to happen daily, or as regularly as possible, to be truly impactful.

You can do all of these things and still have hard moments. But you can rest knowing that you prioritized love, in this busiest of seasons, and that you made a bed for sibling love to bloom where it was planted.

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